Friday, June 1, 2018

A Moment of Honesty..

Today was not a good day. At all. 

It started at 4:30am when Reese woke up crying. He finally fell back to sleep after 6 but only for about an hour. 
After getting him some breakfast we ran to a couple garage sales where I forgot to take the things I bought with me.
Before we went home I needed to run into Walmart to grab a couple things and decided I would take Reese out of his carseat and just carry him in. He did great. And today is national donut day so they were handing out fresh donuts for free! On the way out, donut in hand, Reese in one arm, and the grocery bag in the other when all of the sudden I feel something warm on my arm. Reese spit up all over my arm and the floor 😩! But praise the Lord he missed my donut! 🙌🙌We got the mess cleaned up and headed home.
He took a good hour morning nap but then was really whiny the rest of the morning/afternoon.
Reese usually takes an 2.5-3 hour nap in the afternoon. Thankfully he fell asleep with minimal fussing and I managed to get the house picked up.
Now maybe I'm the only one but I don't have to feel very sleepy during the day to know that "Hey, I didn't get enough sleep last night." I instead can tell by my attitude. I figured it was in everyone's best interest that I take David's advice and try to sleep while Reese was. Unfortunately, my biggest fear with taking naps came true. Reese woke up, after less than 2 hours, crying. I am not proud of this but if he wakes up before he is supposed to, I didn't get enough sleep that night, and I can't get a nap makes matters even worse. I left him in his bed for a little while and when I got him out he was happy..for about 15 minutes and the whining/crying started again. 
Poor David. I had texted him and told him what was going on but I don't think he was prepared for my terrible attitude, of which I am totally ashamed. He did his best trying to help out with Reese.
After supper was done I figured it would do us all some good if we went outside for a walk. I got Reese buckled in the stroller and ran back inside to grab my sunglasses. 
Earlier David had laid down the dining room chairs so Reese wouldn't crawl into the kitchen. As I stepped over the chair my flip flop caught in the bar and I went down hard. Right into the chair legs.
That was the last straw. I was furious. "Why can't today just end?!" 
David being the wise and perfect for me husband that he is didn't say much. He helped me up, started cleaning my knee and then insisted that I take a shower to relax, while he got Reese out of the house. And then I cried. I mean I cried. Pain. Anger. Frustration. Why. Confusion. And then Shame. 
You guys I was so ashamed and felt like a failure as a wife and mom. "Why did today go so horrible God?!" and then the thought "Why did yesterday go good??" "What did I do to deserve such a bad day?!" and then "What did I do to deserve a good day??" "
Today couldn't have gone worse!" Then I realized, today could have gone so much worse. What if I had been holding Reese when I when I fell? What if David hadn't made it home from work? Today could have turned out so much different. My devotional yesterday talked about how no matter what you will always have at least two things to be thankful for. Salvation and God's unfailing love. But how quickly and easily we forget. 
And finally..Repentance. After crying out for forgiveness. I limped my way outside and there were David and Reese coming up the drive way. David took me in his arms, held me, and forgave me as I cried and apologized over and over. And then my sweet little Reese Puff. I got down in front of him with tears in my eyes telling him mommy loves him and he gives me one of his face-lit-up smiles. 

You guys..God is so good.

I'll end with the song I have written out on our refrigerator.

When I'm caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
'Cause I know that you are near

My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your Shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your Shoulders
Your shoulders

{For King and Country}

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